Siuan Sanche wasn’t immediately one of my favorite characters in The Wheel of Time. It took me a while to warm up to her, probably because it took the books so long to really show us who she was. Even in sections from Siuan’s point of view, we really only saw her as the Amyrlin, and it is only after Siuan’s stilling that we begin to get to know the woman who was carrying that title. How deep her strength and determination runs. How her power comes not only from the ability to wield saidar, but from her intelligence, political acumen, and ability to think creatively. How much of herself she is willing to sacrifice in order to protect the world. Indeed, it is only through Siuan’s stilling, and the consequences thereof, that the reader begins to see who she really is.
How ironic, then, that outwardly she appears less herself than she ever has.
There is a moment in Chapter 11 of The Fires of Heaven in which Siuan catches her reflection in a window in Lugard. She notes that her stilling has left her a little prettier than she had been when she was actually a young woman, and how that makes it even harder to relate to her own reflection, already altered by the loss of the ageless Aes Sedai look.
She could not connect that face to her, to Siuan Sanche. Only inside was she still the same; her mind yet held all its knowledge. There, in her head, she was still herself.
I felt that line with every bone in my body. You see, I’m transgender. I know what it feels like to have my appearance, my physical body, not match who I am. And there was a period in my life, after I figured out who I was, but before I started reading differently to people where I experienced exactly what Siuan goes through in this chapter. People looked at me and saw a cute, pretty girl. Only I knew that I was something else.
Before my transition, I experienced my physical dysphoria even when I was at home alone, but I could push it to the back burner of my mind and not spend all my thoughts on it. The moment I had to go outside though, I had to start thinking about how other people would see me. And then when people commented on things I was dysphoric about, like my chest, or my petite-ness, that just reminded me of something I was already disconnected from in my own head. I read as a cute young girl to people, just like Siuan does here, and I can see that same disorientation in Siuan when she is at The Nine Horse Hitch, and earlier when she first encounters the catcalls and comments from men in the streets of Lugard.
Siuan gave a start when she realized that some of the men’s suggestions were aimed at her. They did not make her angry—she really could not apply them to herself in her own mind—only startled. She was still not used to the changes in herself.
Observing her own reflection and judging it attractive doesn’t help Siuan make sense of this situation, and she can’t connect the two realities even as she experiences their consequences. At the end of the section she tries to hide her face from the Whitecloaks, because she’s shaken and not thinking clearly, and so forgets that she doesn’t have to hide her Aes Sedai look. She’s not regarding herself differently because of the experience she’s just had, or hiding from the other men in the street. She’s still thinking of herself as an Aes Sedai; who she really is, saidar or no saidar, hasn’t been lost.
Siuan’s struggle to hold onto herself and her identity as she inhabits this new role and new guise also reminds me of my struggle to get to know myself well enough to come out and begin transition. Yes, Siuan is constantly reminding herself that she isn’t the Amyrlin anymore, but that was only a position, and everything she was when she was the Amyrlin she still is now, even if she has to change how she behaves and interacts with the world. We see this in her stubbornness and strength, and we see this in her continued commitment to the path she started on with Moiraine before she even became Amyrlin. Siuan will continue to guide the Aes Sedai, will continue to fight to bring the future of Rand al’Thor and a victory in Tarmon Gai’don, whether she can channel or not, whatever age she appears to be. Even stilling couldn’t take that from her.
Now, not all trans people experience physical dysphoria, but this analogy still applies to those people; their bodies and appearances are seen so differently by the outside world that they are still experiencing the mismatch when it comes to how they are spoken to and treated, and the spaces that they are allowed to take up. And of course, when you do experience physical dysphoria, the way others see you helps remind you of that disconnect within yourself in heightened ways.
Siuan has just lost a fundamental part of her inner self, her connection to saidar, and it has manifested in many ways, including changing her appearance to the point where she is physically unrecognizable. This journey might be closer to the experiences of gender dysphoria than any analogies I have ever tried to make for myself. Just imagine what it would be like to wake up one day and have a different face than the one you remember. Imagine people suddenly calling you a different name, denying your experience of life, and treating you like you’re twenty years younger than you were yesterday. Imagine knowing that what people saw was incorrect, remembering what it was like to be seen for yourself, and yet being unable to show them the truth, looking in the mirror and seeing a face that could almost be you, but isn’t.
That’s very close to what being trans has felt like for me. True, I never had a recollection of being someone else to guide me, just a vague feeling of wrongness, but I did have that ache, that deep sense of emptiness at the core of myself that Siuan and Leanne discovered when they were stilled and the connection to the True Source was taken from them. Perhaps finding myself, figuring out who I was and starting the processes of transition that lets me live that life, is a bit like finding my own connection to the One Power.
It’s remarkable to have found this connection here, in The Fires of Heaven. Dysphoria is a feeling I’ve really struggled to describe to people, and I’ve never been able to find an analogy or way of explaining that wasn’t more about what dysphoria isn’t than what it is. And then I found this analogy in a very unexpected place. Honestly? I was surprised. I love The Wheel of Time, but the way it handles gender can be alienating for a trans reader. We don’t fit into binaries, and any kind of gender essentialism is basically at odds with our very existence. The structure of the One Power insists that there are only two genders, and that these two genders correlate with specific, easily categorized sexual characteristics. There’s no room for me in this world… or so I thought. Siuan may be a cis woman, but I saw myself in her.
Sylas K Barrett would like to give a shout out to Elliot Page this week, and to say that trans rights are human rights. Suppression of other people’s freedom and identities is Darkfriend business.
This was an excellent post! I know someone who is thinking about transitioning, and this is a nice insight into how some people perceive themselves. As a cis woman, I fit neatly into the WOT gender categories, but I also am discomfited by the stark binary nature of the world.
Thanks for sharing this intimate post, Sylas.
This was an interesting insight. Maybe it’s because I’m not trans or maybe it’s the nature of analogies not always fitting perfectly, but this is where my mind doesn’t track with the analogy. I think Sylas had a positive idea in stating that the values Siuan held as Amyrlin are still within her whether she has the ageless Aes Sedai face and access to Saidar or not. The trans solution to Siuan’s dysphoria seems like it would be for her to find a means of regaining the ageless face and continue to wear a great serpent ring so that her outward appearance matches her inner feelings. Again, the first idea seems a lot more emotionally positive. But I will definitely take correction here from someone who knows better as it is not my intention to be insensitive.
As a gay man, I’ve always had trouble explaining the trans experience. I’ve never had gender identity issues, so I’ve always found it hard to speak for the “T” in the LGBTQ grouping. Because we’re grouped together, people just assume that I have special insights.
But this post really gave me some insights into gender dysphoria that I never understood and I actually feel some common ground. I always grew up knowing that was attracted to men but it felt so disjointed with my classmates and families expectations for me. All the comments from friends on my female celebrity and classmate crushes, and expectations to get a girlfriend really created a disconnect between who I felt I was and who I felt I should be. I felt like something was wrong with me because of my attractions towards men and so I hid who I was so that I could be accepted by my colleagues. I feel like this is where we find common ground. We both had societal norms unconsciously pressed upon us in a way where our internal image did not match our peers image of us. Thank you for this insight. I believe it will come in use when friends ask me about gender issues and the trans experience.
Very interesting and insightful post! Thanks Sylas
My 18 year old grandchild is a trans male. He came out about two years ago and I had to quickly adapt to the fact that I no longer had a granddaughter but now had a grandson. Thank you for this as anything that helps me connect with him better is greatly appreciated!
Thank you for sharing your experience – I can say I have not thought of Siuan specifically this way (even if I haven’t always related to what being female meant in society vs how I experienced it).
Thank you for sharing this. Being a cis male I never saw this parallel in Siuan (and Leanne) myself before, but I found it to be a very powerful insight into gender dysphoria that I will remember.
Hi Sylas,
Thank you for sharing your experience and insight on Siuan’s stilling and the changes she goes through. It wasn’t a concept I’d considered previously, but I can definitely see, and relate to, the parallels. I’m enby and there are times that the physical dysphoria really hard and it’s difficult to look at my reflection and accept that “yeah that’s me in the mirror.” Like you put it, it is a physical and mental disconnect from who you are, and what you look like. Siuan lost a big part of herself, and had difficulty reconciling who she was with her physical appearance. I think your blog post is a good way to consider how some people in the trans community might relate to Siuan, or perhaps other characters in the Wheel of Time.
– Ash
@3 – Your confusion seems to stem from taking a bit too reductive a view of the issue.
The interim solution that works for Siuan is finding the nexus of Aes Sedai power and figuring out a way to pull some of the strings that she once did, giving her at least a (heavily modified) way to continue using her knowledge and ability. Of course she’s better off coming to terms with her limitations even so, but it seems appropriate to the analogy takes one of fiction’s most compulsively persistent healers bucking the collective “wisdom” of the Aes Sedai establishment to prove that she could be given a better life with a medical solution to her problem. Even an imperfect solution with its own set of remaining limitations, and lingering prejudices, is still markedly a markedly better result.
And in this case it’s not just an appearance thing, though as her bond with Egwene demonstrates, she still benefits more from being recognized for her capacities than shoved into line over her weaknesses. In that vein, it’s not all that crazy to say that she would, in fact, have had a more satisfied and accomplished life with the Aes Sedai if they were capable of recognizing her continued worth and wisdom in having the training/knowledge, fortitude, and intellect of a top-tier Aes Sedai, independently of her “biological” ability to channel, rather than follow their militant Power-based ranking system… and Jordan even sets up the direct contrast of the Aiel Wise Ones following that exact system.
Sylas, finish reading Wheel of Time so you can write about Halima / Aran’gar / Balthamel.
Interesting take. Wonder how he will react when Siuan is healed in the next book and has to deal with adjusting to life as a low level Aes Sedai.
The discrepancy between “who” others perceive when they interact with us and our “inner” identity is classic. Ancient Greek theater featured actors with masks (large, which made sense given that many audience members were pretty far away). The “persona” we present to the world is often intentionally different from our inner identity, and the two are rarely exactly the same even when we want them to be. The issue is not limited to transgender or LGBTQ groups, although those folks surely do face the issue on a greater scale than most.
Siuan’s inner self, formed over decades, is suddenly wildly inconsistent with how she relates to others. The suddenness is, I think, the major way it may differ from most real-world individuals who face inner/outer identity crises. Her dealing with this is (IMO) brilliantly outlined in the next few WoT books.
Thanks for the personal and illuminating post, Sylas. I feel like I have a better understanding of gender dysphoria than I did ten minutes ago.
From what I’ve gathered in the the main body of the series as well as the prequel, Siuan isn’t cis. She’s bi. And I would venture further to guess that Moiraine is essentially straight up lesbian. I don’t know why she is written to have fallen in love with Thom, because while I acknowledge that Jordan set up a potential for their romance almost 20 years ago, there is zero indication that they are compatible or have any form of chemistry.
There’s a scene in season 2 of The Boys where Maeve and her longtime on again/off again girlfriend are being “coached” by their PR team, and the nature of their relationship smacked of exactly what I picture Moiraine’s and Siuan’s relationship to look like. And in my humble opinion, I would like to see the Wheel of Time show portray it in this way.
Wheel of Time fans have a few different ideas on what pillow friends are, and I agree that there’s a whole damn spectrum on how humans connect and interact with each other and the various depths of those relationships. But I’ve always been of the belief that what Moiraine and Siuan had was real, like ride or die type shit, and in my headcannon the only reason Siuan allowed herself to move on to fall in love with Gareth Bryne was the belief that she lost Moiraine to the redstone doorframe forever.
Just a minor correction. It’s chapter 11 in the book The Fires of Heaven.
@17: Updated, thanks!
Thanks for your thoughts Sylas, and beware spoilers in some of these comments (as fun as it is to engage with this community, especially regarding issues that are personally important to us). I love hearing how fellow queer folks experience this series and see parallels to our community. RJ had some lofty goals with the statements he tried to make about gender in WoT, and while sometimes he missed the mark, sometimes he really gave us fascinating and engaging characters to see ourselves in. I had never thought of Siuan and Leane in this light, but I don’t think I‘ll ever un-see it now. For me, Min is as non-binary as an allegedly cis character written by a cis author can get, and I’ll die on that hill. Enjoy the rest of the series and walk in the Light!
Felix Sedai
They/Them Pronouns
Brown Ajah
PS @padan_fain, cis =/= straight, cis = identifying with one’s AGAB (assigned gender at birth). Where “bi”/“pan”/“gay” are generally used as contrasts to “straight” in terms of romantic and/or sexual attraction, “trans”/“non-binary”/“genderqueer” are generally the umbrella-term contrasts to “cis” in terms of gender identity. I generally read the characters you’re talking about as cis and pan.
This is a really insightful analysis of Siuan’s journey. Reading it myself, I can of course absorb that this is a character whose life has changed, but was never able to put it into a personal context like this.
It was interesting to see you connect your own personal experiences to the story. I feel like it really helps unlock another layer of emotional context for Siuan’s experiences.
Fantastic article as always, thanks for helping me see the WoT in a new light. This sort of article demonstrates exactly why it’s so important to have a variety of perspectives in fandom
@19: I’m not sure that I see any difference in the language we’re using. I could be wrong, but I’ll attempt to clarify, even though you probably already understand what I was trying to say.
In my view, neither Moiraine or Siuan are straight. Based on the significant relationships the two are documented to have had in the series, I’d say that Moiraine exclusively prefers women, while Siuan is attracted to both women and men. I believe they both identify as women, as well. I think the strongest relationship they have had are with each other, as it was both sexual and deeply emotional. They were a couple, whether some Aes Sedai in the Tower want to acknowledge it that way or not (pillow friends seems like both a generalization and a dismissive term, at least in their case).
I think it would be an excellent opportunity (and not a stretch of the imagination, by any means) to portray Moiraine and Siuan this way in the show. It would be a legitimate reason to show representation of gay and bisexual relations through two very major and significant characters, without alienating both the established fan base and casual viewers who might otherwise call bullshit and claim that such ‘alterations’ feel shoehorned and ‘agenda-based’.
I’m well aware how quickly some folks will clamor to shout ‘woke culture!’ when confronted with something different than whatever traditional and assumed way the characters are supposed to have read or what they look like. As someone who HAS been following these characters for more than half my life (I’m 30 now) my statement above does not feel like a divergence from the narrative. It feels like an affirmation of it.
They can add the romance story with Thom and Moiraine, if they want. It is included in the story, which is the benchmark for any adaptation. But THAT relationship is what feels shoehorned to me, however long ago Jordan planted the seeds for it. I know that arguing with the canon is contradictory behaviour for someone dedicated to the way it was written, and I don’t expect anything about the show to conform to my view of ‘what should be’ (I’m just stoked we’re getting the show in the first place), but some wrinkles never got smoothed out they way I would have liked (another example: Padan Fain’s conclusion). It is what it is.
I didn’t mean to be so long-winded. I tend to get that way when talking about this series. I’d argue that civil discourse and theorizing and discussion of the various moral and cultural aspects of the books is one of the most enjoyable things about being a fan. If you think about it, some of us have been following these rereads since Leigh started these posts OVER 10 YEARS AGO. Damn, that feels insane to point out. OG Leigh gang, represent!
It is clear that Siuan and Moiraine had an intense and definitely physical relationship as novices and Accepted. It is also clear that by the time of the books, twenty years later, that relationship is very much a thing of the past. They are still friends, still share an important goal, but the intensity has faded and the physical aspect ended. New Spring makes clear that both were always interested in men and their final relationships are also with men. Alternate character interpretation and head canon of course is totally fine.
@25 – I agree with you about Thom and Moiraine. I know RJ relied on deus ex machina for most of the relationships in the books (the Pattern put them together!), but that one always baffled me. I wouldn’t mind the show going with the Moiraine/Siuan route. Personally, I’m rooting for an Elayne/Aviendha pairing. I’m not sure if the show is going with the polyamorous triad—which, don’t get me wrong, would be cool representation to see—but if they do, I hope at least that Elayne and Aviendha have as much a relationship with each other as they do with Rand. It would feel more equal that way.
@27, Aviendha and Elayne do have as much a relationship with each other as with Rand, they are First Sisters. Min is rather the odd woman out. She and Elayne are good friends but she scarcely knows Aviendha. In Gathering Storm she complains to Aviendha about holding aloof. Min feels it’s important they get to know each other better. They need to bond. Avi doesn’t disagree but she’s got other concerns at the moment.
The polyamory has never been a problem for me as Jordan realized that the women had to be bonded to each other as well as Rand. Aiel trios clearly show the ‘sisters’ as having an important bond with each other independent of their bonds to the man. Lian is as glad to see Amys as she is Rhuarc and later Melaine’s fellow wise ones lay bets on which of her new marriage partners she will seek out first, husband Bael or First Sister Dorindha.
@25 padan fain: In your original comment, you said “cis” when you obviously meant “straight,” and that’s the language the other poster was correcting you on. You can be a cisgender individual who is straight, bi or gay, and you can be trans and likewise considered to be straight, bi, or gay (or pan, or whatever else you can conceive of).
I think it is clear what you are talking about with the sexuality/preferences of the characters (which is not really what this article is about, though there can be some overlap with the notion of other peoples’ expectations), but you said “cis” instead of “straight,” so that’s why someone corrected your language.
@28 – For me, personally, the optics are better if Elayne and Aviendha are romantic lovers, rather than being viewed as sisters, which…ick. The idea that “sisters” (with an actual magical component bonding them as such) would be involved in the same polyamorous relationship…It was something I didn’t try to dwell on when reading the series.
@28
I don’t think Min’s perception of the situation is meant to be taken as the objective truth. I think from Aviendha’s PoV, it would look a bit different. Min thinks she’s being reasonable and Aviendha’s coping attitude, but Min’s also deliberately baiting her by disrespecting her culture and customs, which we never see her doing with other Aiel. Actually, Min has a lot of respect for them, given their acceptance of her viewings, which seems to be a key issue for her. She notes that Rand just accepts what she tells him, he does not doubt her or question her or protest as if she’s somehow in control of it. She tells Perrin she loves him like a brother, but he DOES all those things, in the same conversation, so I think she’s more or less resigned to it, but really appreciates Rand for not doing it, and then the Aiel as well, who have been conditioned by the Wise Ones living among them and probably not giving explanations for their advice inspired by dreaming or their Rhuidean tests. And there is one other person who wholeheartedly accepts Min’s viewings: Elayne.
To the immense frustration of everyone else around her, Elayne accepts as an absolute truth that she WILL live a certain span going forward, for no other reason than Min’s viewing implies it. And I think that was key in their friendship as well. They were very likely each other’s first real friend. as Elayne doesn’t seem to have any close relationships with people her age in Caemlyn, and Min’s viewings became known early on and singled her out as the town freak, with her failure to perform conventional gender roles not helping. Then they meet in Tar Valon and bond over Min’s viewing revealing Elayne’s rank, combined with her pathological inability to keep her mouth shut about it exposing her ability to Elayne. And we see Elayne accepts this wholeheartedly, even using that as an introductory hook for Egwene, like instead of being something strange and odd about Min, this never occurs to Elayne, and she’s bragging on her behalf to Egwene like this is something to admire about Min, contrary to absolutely all her prior experience to date. Even before they reunite in Salidar to compare notes, Elayne is taking for granted that she has to share Rand because she thinks Min might have had a viewing. She takes Min’s viewings more seriously than her mother’s royal authority.
It’s not explicit on the page, but the seeds of a strong relationship between Min & Elayne are there. It could also be that they don’t need to make the gesture Elayne & Aviendha did, because they are from the same country and don’t have the cultural barriers to overcome. They were friends before Rand, while Elayne & Aviendha became friends in spite of him.
With Min & Aviendha, they are too much alike in many ways to get along right off, like two magnets. The mirroring Min references, and admits she can’t blame on the bond linking them, is, I think, another reason to believe that Jordan intended to show them both making an effort and both balking or digging at each other. But making allowances for the vast cultural differences, they are more like each other than not, just Rand and Elayne are much like each other (which in turn explains why both of them love Min & Aviendha and vice versa).
@@@@@30. crzydroid – I find the terminology of both gender and attraction to be based on cis/heteronormative expectations.
To say you are “cis” or “trans” assumes a binary; it assumes that you WERE assigned a gender at birth and that you either conform to that or you don’t. In our culture, where the gender of even an intersex child is assigned at birth, that works — but our language treats it as a universal truth.
The terms “gay” or “straight” similarly assume that you are one of two genders, and that the gender of the object of your affection defines your relationship. The term “bi” assumes this duality, and even reinforces it.
I would prefer to describe one’s attraction to men or women as “androtaxis” or “gynotaxis”, which at least separates sexual attraction from one’s own gender. This would avoid the not-uncommon situation of, when one person in a relationship transitions, both partners having to come to terms with a changed public perception of their relationship.
There is a Buddhist saying, “whether you are going towards the mountain or away from the mountain, you are on the road to the mountain”.
Hi everyone, we’re skipping this week, and after that the holiday break is upon us, so Sylas and Reading The Wheel of Time will be returning in the new year!